love letters

They're splitting my class up. I'll write more about it later, but I had a breakdown on Friday and started crying in the middle of 1st period. We had been talking about the split, and Jamie started to whine at me while eating junk food and leaning back in his chair. I lost it.

"You want to know why we're being split up? You're whining at me, leaning back in your chair, eating junk food, and wondering why the principal doesn't think this is going to work. That's why. Are you serious?
I'm going to be straight up honest with you all. Every single person in this room is going to encounter people who think you can't control yourselves, that you don't know how to act, that you're not smart, that you can't do the right thing and you can't succeed in school. People are going to think that about you because of racism, because of sexism, because of classism, because of where you're from, because you're from **the school's neighborhood**, because you go to this school. But you know what? I know better. I don't believe that. I believe that you all know how to act, that you know how to do the right thing, that you are all very intelligent and you can succeed. I think that you, as a class, made a choice. You saw that with Ms. M gone and not coming back, Ms L and I were struggling. We did everything we could to keep you together, so we could stay together as a class. We have spent the last week killing ourselves to make this work, and we told you what you needed to do, and you agreed, and then you didn't hold up your end of the deal. I think you saw us struggling, and you knew you could take advantage of it, and you did. That was your choice. And you got you wanted, to act like fools for a week, and now this is the consequence."

My kids went deathly silent. I started to cry and realized I wasn't going to be able to hold it in and had to walk out. I asked Ms. J (formerly known as the other Ms. A) to stand in for a minute and she got another teacher to come cover. And then I got covered the next period. It figures that the only time I have gotten a coverage this entire year is when I had a complete breakdown in the middle of class (nothing like preventative medicine, eh?). And the sad thing is that I am one of maybe 10 teachers that this has happened to this year- not this situation exactly, but situations that have gotten so bad that teachers- the rest of them veterans, all well respected and competent- had breakdowns in the middle of school. But there is absolutely no accountability for things like that built in to the system. Is my AP, who really could've prevented all of the drama in the first place, ever going to be accountable in any way? Of course not.

My kids stayed silent, shamed, for two straight periods, according to the other teachers who were in there. They wrote me love/I'll miss you/goodbye letters while I was bawling in the bathroom. A couple of other teachers across the hall in the office told me Cyrus left the room crying because he was so upset I at how upset I was.

A couple of them, that made me start crying again when they gave them to me as I came back in the room, edited (only very slightly) for readability:

Cyrus:

I love you. you are one of the best teacher I ever had. I don't want to leave you. I wish we could try again. I feel very sad for what going on. I will allways miss you.
Love your best student ever
Cyrus
I want to cry so bad but I have to stay strong


Lucky (in poem form, in a cover with decorations and things like "bad girl love" written on it):

remember when I first
came here I was a
meain* in the butt
but know the
day had come
for us to leave
but I don't want
it to happen
cuz we all
love you
and from now
on I will
call your
cell phone
to see how
you doin
but we'll
all love
I love
you!!!!

(*editors note I think meant pain but also mean... she likes to combine words, how she got the name Lucky in the first place. and she was a pain and also mean when she first came)


Kira:

Dear Ms. A

Thank you for teaching me this year in sixth grade you don't have to cry we are still your students in our heart and we wanted to let you that that because we are going to miss you I don't really want to leave this room and everybody that was in the class I wish we can have another chance so we can show you who we really are and that we can learn something too. Just like everyone else I wish Ms. M was here too so we can stay together. I'm going to ask Ms. J. can we have another chance so don't cry.


But no, chances are up...