where do we go from here?

points to anyone who catches that reference.

anyways... i'm currently unemployed.  this is a temporary state, which will sadly end in probably a week or so, but has been basically the best thing to ever happen to me.  or at least it's felt like that for the last week or so.  i could be unemployed forever.  or at least until my money runs out.  which will be soon.

that wasn't really what i came on to post about.  what i came on to post about was that, because of aforementioned unemployment, i am not currently under any real onus to avoid blogging, public writing, or in general having an online personality that doesn't reek of clorox.  but as i haven't taught in two years, now, i don't feel like this is the appropriate place to go back to blogging.  getting a new spot is going to be a project of the next few days (anyone of the three people that has ever looked here interested in doing a group blog?  blogs are kind of like pets, i love them but i don't know that i'm grown up enough to take care of one all on my own).

i'll be back here to continue to post teaching stories as i remember them and want to record them, but they're few and far between these days, and i'll link to wherever's next.

you guys are still looking at this? seriously?

Went on a blog hiatus for quite a while there, and even now, I'm not *really* back.  But I came back through looking for something in an old post, and saw that someone, at least, has been checking back through.  (Even if y'all never comment)  And figured I'd say hey, and get my fix of writing, even if no one is still (actively) around to read it.

Sorry about the unannounced and abrupt departure from here.  If you know me in real life, you know why, and also why this blog is probably going to continue to remain dormant for a bit- I took the electoral job, and in deference to my boss, shut down anything that could've been an issue, and despite the fact that this is a semi-anonymous blog, I felt it best to leave alone for the time being.  It's been rough, not gonna lie, as writing is definitely therapeutic for me, and I liked writing for the cozy little community here.  But tis not to be, for a while anyways, and while I've got no end of funny and touching stories accummulated over the last year and a half, they are not going to be public (at least for a while), in written format anyway.  There's a lot of stories that would suddenly pop up in my head over the last year and a half, and I'd think, "I never wrote that down!" and panic, and then forget about it by the time I got to a computer.  I may continue to use this space to record those even as I avoid writing about my current life.  

For example, in college, I worked for a number of tutoring/school support programs, doing everything from teaching theater to playing dodgeball to making photocopies for various teachers and programs around Chicago.  

I recently looked back through a newsletter from one of these, an afterschool program that I spent some time  at, and was shocked to see a kid that I remember as being an adorable 4 year old suddenly morphed into this ginormous 12 year old.    I was horrified.  If my math is right (luckily I only tutored him in reading) and I remember his age correctly (which is very possibly not the case) he couldn't possibly be more than 10.  (Huge diff, right?  I'm totally going to turn into one of those women who stays 29 forever. *sigh*)

Anyway, I had a flashback to sitting on a couch with him, reading One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish.  He's cheerfully smiling and following along, but then suddenly turns serious and stops me, pushing the book down.  He turns and looks at me, and then gives me a once over.  And I mean, seriously gave me a looking.  There's got to be a term for that kind of look (once-over doesn't really get across the creepy objectification of it), but basically, the head to toe scan, and then back up.  Still serious, he tilts his head.

"You got a man?"

Sadly, I don't remember the specifics of what I said.  I think it was something along the lines of, "Huh?"  as my brain was processing that a 4 year old was hitting on me.

He shook his head, knowingly but with a tinge of something that felt like disdain mixed with sympathy.

"Yeah, that's what I thought.  You don' t got a man."

Still dumbstruck by the turn of conversation, I stared at him.  His smile returned, he pushed the book back up, and put his finger on the word where we'd left off.  I had just been dissed by a 4 year old.

On the upside, he's now (according to the newsletter) a straight A student, so evidently the early childhood reading helped.  Hopefully he doesn't break too many hearts.

Speaking of which, despite the fact that I no longer teach, I've kept up with a fair number of my kids.  Cyrus, Gamer, Whoopi, and a total cutie who used to give me apples (don't think I had a nickname for her) all have the same teacher this year (along with a few other kids from that class) and Cyrus hasn't gotten in trouble yet this year!  A bunch from before that have my email, and, which feels weird, they're starting to get on facebook.  So I get my fix of talking to them every once in a while as well.  

And um, yeah.  It's late, my sleeping schedule is all kinds off, and I don't even know how often I'll be back here, but it was good to visit for a bit and see that some folks either wandered here or were checking back from the old days.

Happy holidays!

love letters

They're splitting my class up. I'll write more about it later, but I had a breakdown on Friday and started crying in the middle of 1st period. We had been talking about the split, and Jamie started to whine at me while eating junk food and leaning back in his chair. I lost it.

"You want to know why we're being split up? You're whining at me, leaning back in your chair, eating junk food, and wondering why the principal doesn't think this is going to work. That's why. Are you serious?
I'm going to be straight up honest with you all. Every single person in this room is going to encounter people who think you can't control yourselves, that you don't know how to act, that you're not smart, that you can't do the right thing and you can't succeed in school. People are going to think that about you because of racism, because of sexism, because of classism, because of where you're from, because you're from **the school's neighborhood**, because you go to this school. But you know what? I know better. I don't believe that. I believe that you all know how to act, that you know how to do the right thing, that you are all very intelligent and you can succeed. I think that you, as a class, made a choice. You saw that with Ms. M gone and not coming back, Ms L and I were struggling. We did everything we could to keep you together, so we could stay together as a class. We have spent the last week killing ourselves to make this work, and we told you what you needed to do, and you agreed, and then you didn't hold up your end of the deal. I think you saw us struggling, and you knew you could take advantage of it, and you did. That was your choice. And you got you wanted, to act like fools for a week, and now this is the consequence."

My kids went deathly silent. I started to cry and realized I wasn't going to be able to hold it in and had to walk out. I asked Ms. J (formerly known as the other Ms. A) to stand in for a minute and she got another teacher to come cover. And then I got covered the next period. It figures that the only time I have gotten a coverage this entire year is when I had a complete breakdown in the middle of class (nothing like preventative medicine, eh?). And the sad thing is that I am one of maybe 10 teachers that this has happened to this year- not this situation exactly, but situations that have gotten so bad that teachers- the rest of them veterans, all well respected and competent- had breakdowns in the middle of school. But there is absolutely no accountability for things like that built in to the system. Is my AP, who really could've prevented all of the drama in the first place, ever going to be accountable in any way? Of course not.

My kids stayed silent, shamed, for two straight periods, according to the other teachers who were in there. They wrote me love/I'll miss you/goodbye letters while I was bawling in the bathroom. A couple of other teachers across the hall in the office told me Cyrus left the room crying because he was so upset I at how upset I was.

A couple of them, that made me start crying again when they gave them to me as I came back in the room, edited (only very slightly) for readability:

Cyrus:

I love you. you are one of the best teacher I ever had. I don't want to leave you. I wish we could try again. I feel very sad for what going on. I will allways miss you.
Love your best student ever
Cyrus
I want to cry so bad but I have to stay strong


Lucky (in poem form, in a cover with decorations and things like "bad girl love" written on it):

remember when I first
came here I was a
meain* in the butt
but know the
day had come
for us to leave
but I don't want
it to happen
cuz we all
love you
and from now
on I will
call your
cell phone
to see how
you doin
but we'll
all love
I love
you!!!!

(*editors note I think meant pain but also mean... she likes to combine words, how she got the name Lucky in the first place. and she was a pain and also mean when she first came)


Kira:

Dear Ms. A

Thank you for teaching me this year in sixth grade you don't have to cry we are still your students in our heart and we wanted to let you that that because we are going to miss you I don't really want to leave this room and everybody that was in the class I wish we can have another chance so we can show you who we really are and that we can learn something too. Just like everyone else I wish Ms. M was here too so we can stay together. I'm going to ask Ms. J. can we have another chance so don't cry.


But no, chances are up...

processing

I probably don't have time to be writing this. For one of my grad classes, I have to make a graphic organizer through technology, somehow, related to my next unit... HAH.

I mean, not exactly. But if I sat and wrote out how completely crazy my classroom (which is now combined with L's class next door... not counting my resource kids) has become and may be again tomorrow if my principal decides to split the room up (already threatened... not exactly as a threat, but as a "this is what's best for your class and we know because we haven't been in it all year but we're going to make decisions that completely screw you over and then will tell you it's not a big deal" kind of way that is how every decision in my school seems to get made), or complained about my administration (more than I already have- poor Ems already heard a rant about that today though) this post would be longer than they usually are.

I realized tonight though that this blog is how I "process" everything. So, grad school be damned (not really. I am determined to get an A in this class, for once- well, twice- in my grad school career). But really, technological graphic organizer? I mean, that'd be great if I had the resources to do it. Or knew if I was going to be in the same classroom to do it. Or which students, or which subject, or anything. But in a year that has been supposedly all about being "data driven" instruction, really, planning and assessing lessons has really been the bottom of the list of what I've been forced to prioritize. And so my students lose. Again.

I've been thinking a lot about the relationships I have with my students. Why, exactly, do I love Cyrus so much? Versus, say, Pockets? I mean, I had Cyrus the whole year and Pockets only a few months. And I love Pockets, I think he's hilarious and really smart. But Cyrus I kind of want to adopt. Not even kind of. Do. I won't (Grandma, stop worrying...). He has a mother who's cleaned up and gotten her act together (except for her husband, apparently, who's been banned from the school building), who loves him and takes good care of him, and I certainly don't have the financial or logistical capability to take care of a kid right now. But there is just about nothing in the world that I wouldn't do for him. We keep having these conversations about my not being there next year (as I feel more and more like my administration is shoving the very, very short, chewed up, dirty and bug infested end of the stick my way, if not in an orifice, this is becoming more and more clear a decision). He's not trying to guilt me, exactly, just sort of letting me know that he's got no real incentive to even show up to school, much less do better, if I'm not around. And he's kind of distanced himself from anyone in the classroom that would get him in trouble- which, since my class is full of chatterboxes, would be most people. It breaks my heart to not be there for him next year. I explained to him that he would have my email address, and my phone number, and that I fully expected to be invited (and would come back) for eighth grade, high school, and college graduation, and any graduations that he had after that. He mock complained about it for a minute but agreed that he would invite me to them (implicitly agreeing that he was going to graduate at all those levels- hurray!). In the same way that moving away from family and friends is really difficult, I just can't imagine going to work every day and not having him there. The sheer effort he has been making to be a good student and separate himself and grow up is kind of staggering. It's hard, and it's lonely, and it shows on his face. Sometimes when I look at his face in class I can almost watch him struggling to mature inside himself, even while doing something total banal (today, worksheets like identifying conjunctions and interjections). This is going to sound completely cheesy, but knowing what he's been through and is trying to become and watching him go through that struggle every day gives me hope for humanity. I look at him and think that there is some inherent goodness or nobility of spirit or something deep inside him that is just awe-inspiring.

And been thinking about my relationship with other kids, as random as they get. LJ comes to see more often than any of my other resource students, BJ included. I know it makes some of the other teachers nervous. It makes me nervous some days. Friday we had a half day, professional development. I drove to Wawa to get lunch (for those of you not in the tri-state area, Wawa is one of the most amazing places known to mankind. It was the thing I missed most after my family and friends when I moved to Chicago). LJ had actually been suspended that day, but on my way back to school I drove by the house of a friend of his (who actually had come to see me with BJ earlier, but then cut school- I saw them running out of the building the beginning of the last period of the day). They were hanging out on the porch, and when they saw me the started yelling for me to slow down, because they wanted to talk. The house is across a field from the school, but literally within shouting distance and plain view. It was hot out, so I had all my windows down, and I started talking to K, BJ's friend (who had helped me grade papers after spending a very awkward few minutes trying to figure out my sexuality a few days before- LJ had decided that I looked like I "swing both ways" I think to see if he could set me up with Ms. Lez, and the whole little crew really seemed to want to know) out the window about why he cut school. LJ jumped off the porch with an adorable dog (are there really any other kinds?) on a leash and ran around to my passenger window. I figured he'd just stick his head in the window to chat, so I kept talking to K, but then he unlocked the door and jumped in the passenger seat- with his dog.

"Drive! Drive!" he yelled.

I was confused. There were no police around, I wouldn't exactly be the best getaway car or a willing accomplice, no matter how funny or smart I think he is, and he had just been chilling out on a friend's porch in plain view, within a couple hundred feet of the school.

"Um, I'm going back to the school. I can drive you back to the school, but I'm not going anyplace else- just because students have a half day doesn't mean teachers do."

"Oh yeah. Forgot about that. Well, you can just drop me off here then. I just wanted to chat."

And... we chatted, he told me to have a good weekend, and he got out of the car and walked back to K's. Like I said. Random.

Yesterday he asked me if I told security that he brings drugs to school.

"I actually never talked to security about you. But when I talk to people in administration I tell them that you usually have me search your bag when you come in to prove you don't have drugs with you, or empty out your pockets."

"Oh. Good." He paused for a minute. "You can't search my bag today."

I did anyway, when he left the room, mostly because what he said made me suspect that he did bring drugs or worse. Not very thoroughly, but I didn't find anything. He could tell, I'm not sure how. But we wound up having a long talk about prison (he's upset that I think he's going to wind up there) and jobs and money, and he actually admitted that he wants to go to college someday. I wonder if I actually am making any progress with him at all or if he's smart enough to make me think I am to pacify me so I'll keep letting him come down and spend time with me and occasionally his friends. It's not like we have a party- I occasionally have candy and he uses the computer once in a great while. Past that I'm not sure what he gets out of watching me give mind-numbing tests to other kids. I'm even bored by them. You couldn't pay me to sit and watch someone else take them if I didn't absolutely have to. But he actually likes it.

He was excited today because he didn't get suspended- we have an ongoing joke about how I never see him more than one day at a time because he gets suspended pretty much every day that he comes to school.

Might process a little more later, but it's looking like time to do my homework... blech.

To J- Can I even tell you how thrilled I would be if all my students actually understood and remembered all the information in the SchoolHouse Rock video? God, I fantasize about having students that care enough to use mp3 players to cheat like that. Do you realize how technologically proficient they'd have to be to even get that far? That's like, mastery of two national standards right there. Oh, No Child Left Behind. Except- oh, wait, no, that doesn't work at all... maybe, No Rich Child With MP3 Players and Knowledge of Advanced Computer Technology From Well Educated But Neurotic Parents Left Behind? There we go...

you were bad once...

Today for some reason felt kind of emotionally difficult. Can't imagine why- not like that ever has happened other days. Nope, every other day has been happy and cheerful and I've left work postively perky. Chirping with joy about the innocence and wonder of childhood.

Another teacher told me today that sarcasm doesn't kick in until seventh grade. Sixth grade a lot of the kids get it, but not quickly, and there's still some who go, "Wait, really?" and have to be told explicitly that you're messing with them. By seventh grade, the cynicism they've built up in their teachers has become more obvious.


Found out today that Gamer's (I think I called him Farter in previous posts...) dad is schizophrenic. I was on the verge of calling DHS on his family; he comes in with dirty clothes, poor hygeine, and gets hysterical if anyone mentions contacting his parents. Old anecdotal record logs in his file show his previous teacher had the same suspicions I did. Now I think maybe he's manipulating us, which is a hard thing to think about a kid, but I feel a lot more sympathy for his mom. Not going to go into more details now, but I think she just felt defeated, and I actually felt an honest conversation with her which I've never felt with him. Also found out that one of my girls was hospitalized a few days ago for a mental breakdown (actually the girl who Gamer enraged to the point of beating him over the head with a social studies textbook. those babies are big), along with one of L's kids who was in my after school program (not together, it just happened at roughly the same time). And had a conversation with Jamie that made me wonder if he's got a tinge of sociopath in him. It was a terrific morning.

I actually had a wonderful conversation with one of my seventh grade resource kids- the one his teacher was afraid was in a gang. I haven't seen him in a few days, so she called to tell me he was present. I saw him at the end of the day and did some IEP testing with him. In the middle he mentioned he had just passed a math test- and actually, he didn't only pass it, he got a B, which, for him, is terrific. And he has another test tomorrow, and had the study guide to it in his pocket, and could explain to me all of the stuff he was going to be tested on. I was so excited I kept hugging him and offered him a period of anything he wanted to do on Friday if he got an A on the one tomorrow- and it's a hard subject for kids his age, adding, subtracting, multiplying, and dividing fractions (with unlike denominators! and he knew about numerators and denominators! I almost died of happiness. I'm going to go hug his math teacher tomorrow. I think the only honest form of positive communication I have these days is hugs. not so much a good thing in my job, as I could probably be fired for it). Computer time, cake, whatever. It was pretty much the first and only positive thing to happen today. He's right on that brink between where my sixth grade wannabe-badasses are and my eighth grade actual-badasses are. Most of the time I spend with him is really doing self-esteem stuff; he told me last week there's nothing he actually likes about himself. It was kind of heartbreaking. We've been working on journaling, with a list of things he likes about himself in it that he can add to whenever he wants. Of course LJ came down while I was with him. LJ comes to see me more than any of my other students, I think. He told me today that BJ was in love with me.

"You know, J is in love with you. He says you're dazzling."

I shrugged.

"Somehow I'm not convinced. If he loves me so much, how come he doesn't come to school to see me?"

This apparently hadn't occurred to him.

"You actually want him to come to school?"

I guess they don't hear that much, or at least not that they think is sincere. I don't blame anyone for that; if they were in my classroom all day I probably wouldn't want them to come to school either. But it occurred to me that LJ might actually have a crush on me. Not just the lust that his friends have rather crudely remarked on that they seem to share, but an actual crush. I barely even talked to him today, and warned him of that.

"I have to do testing, so I'm going to be kind of boring today. You're welcome to hang out, though."

He shrugged. He wanted to help my seventh grader with the test, and actually wanted to take it himself. LJ is actually kind of ridiculously smart, I think. I wish there were some way to channel it that I could see, in the next 30ish days of school that he might actually attend. I told him he would make a good teacher, but he laughed at me. I would too if I were him. Who wants to take that kind of paycut?

do you like coming to school and hearing about all this stuff?

This post is gonna start a little differently. If you're a regular reader of this blog, and procrastinate much like I do by, well blog-surfing, you may have checked out "the colon chronicles". This is a link to a blog of a girl I knew in Chicago through capoeira (hence the portugese sprinkled through her site), who was diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer a while back and managed to pull through some truly nightmarish times, and has done so with some amazing good humor. Unfortunately, some more are still ahead for her, as the medical bills have piled up. I'm perpetually a step away from being a financial disaster, despite a steady paycheck and as-needed help from a wonderful and supportive family. I can't even begin to imagine how hard going through that kind of experience would be, even without the financial ramifications... anyway, her website, www.cancer-sucks.com, has a donation button on it, and I wanted to do a quick plug for her. This is sort of an anonymous favor (and how awkward to do it in blog form, right?)- I never knew her as well as I wanted to back in Chicago when we both might've had the time, and have only been following her story from afar through friends and internet updates for the last few months. I doubt she knows her blog is even linked to my blog, if she even knows I have one. She's just somebody I've grown to admire greatly for her attitude and strength, from a distance, and I think she deserves some good karma at this point. So check it out, and try to help if you can.


I got another resource student today. Haven't met her yet. I have to write something like 10 IEPs in the next two weeks. Fun! (And so of course, I procrastinate by writing here instead...)
I rarely get to meet with my resource kids consistently, though, as they all seem to be suspended so often that they're rarely in school more than a few days in a row. LJ has decided to come see me even when BJ's not there. Yesterday I went to go meet with an eighth grade girl that I hadn't actually gotten to talk to yet. LJ came with me (his teacher was hoping he'd cut, but he showed up while I was at her door, so she asked if I could take him instead so he didn't disrupt her class). Jabberwock is the girl's teacher, and told me she had warned him that when it got nice out she was going to stop coming to school. Academically, she's doing fine (it's amazing how many of these kids have no business in special ed...), except in one class where she doesn't seem to be getting along with the teacher, so we started talking about cutting class, and school, and why they do it. She and LJ knew each other already, so the conversation got pretty open pretty fast.
My resource kids don't seem to think of me like a teacher, exactly... they tell me stuff I know they wouldn't think of telling other teachers. I can't tell if it's because I'm young, or because I'm very honest with them, or what. But it gets to the level that I sometimes remind them that I'm obligated to report certain things. LJ, for example, has brought a bookbag to school twice in the last week. Now, LJ never brings a bookbag to school- the school supplies he evidently needs (like condoms) fit in his pocket. He's a smart kid- he knew more than BJ did on the tests I gave him, and BJ did pretty well- but he's pretty comfortable with his future as a high school drop-out, so why bother? So when he brought a bag to school, the logical assumption his teachers made was that he brought drugs or weapons to school. He made a joke about it to me (prompting a "I have to report certain things" talk) but then encouraged me to search it. My assumption, following that, is that he brought something in, unloaded it quickly, and knowing that the administration knows I have a relationship with him and would ask me about him, gave himself a cover by having me search it. He also started telling me about his gang, the initials of which he has tattoed on his arm. He and Alexa started giving me a rundown of the local gangs (among other things... hence Alexa's question, the title of this post). I'm still trying to learn details of the gang that tagged my car. I asked him about them, but he didn't seem to know much, or not much that he would admit. His gang, at least the kids I assume are in his gang, that come to visit me, know what my car looks like- they can't get over that I drove to BJ's house after school. Evidently home visits are out of fashion these days. In the back of my mind I think I felt nervous that they would check the car out and see another gang's symbol and make some kind of connection that would get me caught in some drama. But maybe it'll work out the opposite way; they all obviously like me, so maybe it'll be like I have some loose protection of two gangs, should I ever need it. Friends in low places, right? He had talked to me about the gang before, but I was too slow to put together the pieces. I didn't really make the connection, although I had suspicions, until another teacher asked me about another student we both have, a 7th grader, to see if he was in a gang, because another kid in her same class who got stabbed last week is, and she wanted to know if they were in the same one. Jellyroll, from my class, told me he was there when the stabbing happened but I haven't gotten the chance to talk to him about it. I can't imagine him in a gang, but then I've learned my lesson about never saying never about students- and he was, after all, the kid that brought the cap gun to school. I don't know why it's taken me so long to make all these connections, but it only suddenly hit me today how common gangs are in my school and how many of my kids are in them. It's a little disturbing, actually.

Speaking of disturbing... Jamie (formerly referred to as Dae), Huffy, Gecko, and two other kids (neither of whom have nicknames yet) got suspended for beating up Jellyroll in the bathroom. I'm so disgusted I can barely stand it. Only one actually did it, but the rest guarded the door so Jr couldn't get out. It makes me so angry... Now he has to leave the class, too, and of the group I think he's the only one who was truly sorry for his roll in beating up Squirrel. He was my new secret favorite, the one with a conscience, and he was a really good student on top of that. The fact that they were all his close friends at the beginning of the year just makes it worse. The kid who actually beat him up is just nuts. I don't really even blame him, because I think he just truly has no control over himself at all and really should be hospitalized, but the others...

I'm starting to feel like I've run out of emotion. I'd like to be really angry and upset, but mostly I'm just tired of it. I hugged Cyrus when I found out he wasn't a part of it. And it makes me sick that I'm thankful when one of my kids isn't participating in group beatings. I want to be hugging him for perfect test scores, or winning football games, or showing excellence in some way. And while I rationalize it by looking at how far he's come- to stay out of trouble, when it's all you've known and been in, all your life, and is all that is expected of you, and all your friends are doing it, during the most peer-motivated period of your life, is truly remarkable, and a sign to me of strength and growth and maturity- but it still makes me sick to think that there's a possibility he'll never be held to higher standards and expected to grow to his full potential.

I got a loose job offer, last week, for an electoral organizing job that in many ways is exactly what I want to do and an incredible opportunity. But I feel racked by guilt at the thought of leaving my kids, and my school, even though a few months ago I was ready to do it out of spite and anger and frustration and thought I made the decision for good. I told a couple of the kids there was a possibility I wouldn't be there next year, mostly Cyrus. Cyrus told me if I left he had no reason to come to school. It'll be an ongoing conversation, but I tried to explain to him that the best thing he could do for me was to show me that he could succeed without me, because I'm not always going to be there for him, even if I want to be, but that I will always love him and will know that he really is the person I know he can be if he is his best even when I'm not there. And that that, actually, is the test. I know he'll be his best when I'm there, because I'll make him, but if he'll do it for me even when I'm not there then I'll know he really truly has become his best, both for me and for him. It was a big knife in the heart; it's not that he doesn't have other reasons. He's popular and athletic- he's quarterback of the local football team, which he's on with Jamie- and the girls all think he's cute, which I know from notes I find scattered through the classroom, and I know he's dated at least one girl in the room this year, who is also pretty and popular and happens to be really smart. But I guess he understands there's a level of superficiality to all that, which he could get anywhere. Having a teacher that loves him and believes in him he might not be able to get somewhere else.

I had a long conversation about this with Ems. It's a problem a lot of TFA teachers have, that they want to be that teacher that makes a difference for every kid they see, and the reality that they are not it for every kid is really hard to deal with. I'm pretty comfortable with it. I didn't come in with that illusion. First of all, a lot of my kids don't need that role. For all the awful situations some of them come in with, a lot of them come in with really loving, supportive families or communities that fill that role in their lives. And for some of the rest of them, there's just a personality conflict, or lack of spark, or whatever. No one can be everything every child needs. I've got more than a few kids for whom I am just not what they need or are looking for right now. And that's fine- if there's someone else they relate to better, because they don't like women, or young people, or me, or whatever, I try to point them toward people they might relate to better. But every once in a while, there is a kid that there is just that bond with, where they need something really intensely and you have it to give. I had it last year with DJ, and with Bouncer, and C. This year, that kid in my class is Cyrus, and to a lesser extent Jamie, and definitely with some of the kids, mostly Maria and Anita from after school and a couple of other random kids. Not that I don't love all of my kids, or that they don't need something, but I don't think I'm necessarily that one teacher for all of them. For Cyrus, I am. And it's fairly obvious to most of the kids in my class, I think. It's not favoritism, and it doesn't seem to upset them in any way. Most of them wouldn't even open themselves up emotionally enough to have that kind of bond, so it's not something they really get jealous of. They don't need it, they don't want it. But they see it and recognize it. And it's really hard to let go of those kids, not knowing if they'll ever get this vague amorphous thing that they need ever again or if what I've given them has been enough. I'm going to be the most annoying parent ever, some day, I'm sure, because I'm afraid even of letting go of my students. Not that Cyrus helped with the comment today...

Another cheery day with the future of our country.

some high(and low-)lights of this week (mostly from the 8th grade)

1. finding out that Big Jay is actually 13, not 14, while writing his IEP. Not that this should make a difference, but somehow, the fact that he's got such a long criminal record already, is having sex and selling drugs just seems significantly worse somehow now that I know he's 13. Also, he tested damn near on grade level in math without having been awake through a math class or through the entirety of one in about two years. which means... special ed, not so much.

2. going to BJ's house after he and LJ cut out of school because LJ got in trouble for printing out pictures of guns in order to get BJ to finish taking his frigging IEP tests and completely and utterly wasting an hour of my life there as he completely refused to do anything and got so upset I actually came over that he tried to take his bike out to ride away (luckily it had a flat tire). This was a problem as he's under house arrest. I was kind of afraid he'd get locked up again before school this week. Luckily not.

3. being grilled by BJ's and LJ's friends today on my love life. LJ decided I looked like the type who dated women and men, and wanted me to tell them if I swung both ways. They spent the next half hour trying to get me to tell them something about my love (or more accurately, sex) life. BJ stayed out of it, and even sort of had my back.

"Yo, man, she's just going to say no to anything you say. Stop asking her."

I like him more every day. Except when I was at his house and he was a huge pain in the ass. But it definitely had some kind of effect. He told all of his friends about it, repeatedly. LJ wanted to know why I didn't come to his house. I told him if I hadn't found BJ at his own house, I would've checked his next. I actually had his address when I went over, considering it, but I didn't add that in general I'm more comfortable with BJ because he gets mad when I make an effort to check up on him (although I think he does appreciate it in the end) rather than tries to flirt... LJ probably would've asked me to sleep over (echoes of R's brother from last year... "You can borrow my t-shirt!"). They were all shocked I was able to find out where they lived. I guess none of them knew the school has their info on the computer system. This conversation immediately followed BJ telling them about how I drove over to his house and then a conversation about my car, with jokes about how they steal cars. They wouldn't, actually-- they like me, and among other reasons, my car is older and more beat up then the ones they get other ways, and I'm sure they know they would be prime suspects if anything ever did happen to my car. But still... not the most reassuring conversation.

So as LJ kept trying for the personal information...

"Boys, I'm sorry, that's just too personal. I can't talk about that with you."
"Yes you can! You know us, we're sharing, we're a group here. We wouldn't tell anyone, you know us better than that!"
"No I don't! You were just joking about stealing my car!"
"Oh, yeah..." they started laughing. "Whoops. You know we wouldn't do that, Miss."

5. wasting a full period on possibly the stupidest sixth grade drama EVER between one of my girls and three girls in another class, one of whom is dating one of the boys in my class. Making it worse, BJ, LJ, and one of their friends (who decided to help me grade papers during my prep... random...) walked in while I was in the room I use for resource trying to mediate so there wasn't a full on fight after school tomorrow, which is what was about to happen, and decided to watch. It was like trying to mediate a Jerry Springer show with interactive audience members. My sixth grade girls, particularly these ones, are very young for their ages, but they have a lot of attitude. They don't curse in front of me, and these particular ones are very careful about being respectful, but they have mouths like no others... not helped by the commentary from the boys.

"So then Ms. A, in gym, she called me a B! And she said she was going to, you know, f me up!"

"What's a B?"
"What's 'f' stand for? Freedom? She's going to free you?"
"Yo, that sixth grader's got some Eddie Murphy hair!"

I've had more productive conversations.

4. BJ and LJ's friend (not the one who helped me grade, a different one- in all today I had BJ, LJ, two of their friends whose names rhyme, and this last one wandering into my room to hang out. It's kind of a weird situation. They're probably cutting, but they're at least with a teacher when they're with me and occasionally doing something school related or at least having life lesson conversations when I can get their minds off sex or drugs. And they're not in the hallway or selling drugs in the bathroom. I like them, I don't mind, although it's kind of a pain when I'm trying to work with other students) in response to my refusing to answer questions. When they discovered I would just say no to everything, it became a game. You just can't win sometimes...
"Are you married? Do you have a boyfriend? Do you like men? Are you straight?"
You get the idea. The clincher:

"Do you like younger men? If I were older, I'd bang you."

I actually slipped up and cursed. "I don't ever want to hear that s*** coming out of your mouth again."

He feigned shock. I told Ms. Lez about it later, who's very close to that whole group of boys, and she had him come up later and apologize. He was obviously actually really embarrassed about it. That's way further than even LJ would take it. And he's actually a cousin to a girl in L's class that the other boys were pretty crudely talking about taking advantage of, and got upset about it. That made me forgive him and even like him a little more. Still think I've had my share of eighth grade for the week...